


To Live For The Hope Of It All

by serotoninhalo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Meetings, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Minor Character Death, Sad with a Happy Ending, Support
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:00:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28655352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serotoninhalo/pseuds/serotoninhalo
Summary: Harry and Louis meet at probably the lowest moments of their lives, they find support and comfort in each other.Hi guys,Pretty much most of this story is based on my real life.I guess it's just a way for me to cope with and let out my feelings and thoughts.If you do read it, please let me know what you think of the writing. I would really appreciate it.Please look after yourselves and each other.:)
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	To Live For The Hope Of It All

Harry’s eyes had begun to hurt now. He had been focused on the single speck of dirt on the wall for over ten minutes now, numb to the flurry of voices surrounding him. He was pretty sure that at least five people had come up to him and said his name, trying to get his attention but he couldn’t look away from the wall. From the speck of dirt that looked strangely similar to a martini glass. And oh, what he would do for one of those right now.

His inner thoughts were interrupted by a short figure stepping in front of him, placing a gentle hand on his arm and squeezing lightly, “Haz, everyone’s heading to the cemetery now.”

Harry blinked a few times, focusing on Gemma’s sombre expression before clearing his throat and nodding. He adjusted his suit jacket and offered her a weak smile, turning around to notice everyone else leaving the service and piling themselves into cars to head to the cemetery. His heart skipped a beat at the sight of the dull room, the only colourful object seemed to be the picture of Jess in the corner. Harry remembered the day he had taken it, about five months ago, when the two of them had taken a little holiday and driven down to Blackpool, wanting to spend some time at the beach like little kids again before Harry moved to London for work. Basically, before he left Manchester and abandoned his oldest friend there during the hardest time of her life, but he was too excited about his new job and new flat in a big city, full of endless opportunities for him, to realize what she was going through.

“Harry,” Once again, he was pulled out of his thoughts by Gemma standing by his side, staring at him with wide eyes full of concern, “Harry, nobody will be mad you know? If you’re not up to it. You don’t have to come.” His head snapped up and an incredulous look came over his face as he slowly processed what she was saying.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Gems. Of course, I’m coming.” His voice was raspy from days of disuse and she sighed softly before nodding her head, grabbing his elbow and leading him out of the room, almost as if she was well aware that he needed to be maneuvered around for a little while in order to function properly.

He doesn’t remember anything that happened at the cemetery. He doesn’t even remember the drive there, which is quite concerning but oh, well. All he remembers is the photograph of Jess grinning, now ingrained in his mind, and the completely contradicting image of her mother’s expression as she stared at Harry from across the crowd. Harry doesn’t remember when everyone left. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since he moved from his exact spot. There’s a dull, muted pain in his feet from standing but it’s nothing compared to the pain he’s felt the last few days.

At some point, the sun began to set, painting the sky different shades of pinks, yellows and orange.

At some point, he took off his jacket, rolled the sleeves of his white button-down up to his elbows and sat down on the prickly grass.

At some point, the stars came out and the tears started rolling down his cheeks. And they didn’t stop for so, so long.

He stayed there for hours and hours, simply staring at the rectangular, brown patch of dirt in front of him. The only thing that pulled him out from his thoughts was the sound of a man cursing loudly, stumbling around as he approached Jess’ headstone, knocking over a few flowers in the process. Harry cleared his throat lightly, looking up at the man who was staring at the miniature photograph of Jess with a blank expression. The man’s head snapped towards his direction, eyebrows raising when he caught sight of the figure sitting on the grass, face glistening with tears.

“Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t know anybody would still be here.” He spoke loudly but his voice wavered slightly. Harry simply shrugged his shoulders in response, not trusting himself to hold a complete conversation quite yet. The man seemed to pick up on that as he nodded his head a few times before gesturing to the empty space next to Harry, “you mind if I just sit for a bit?”

Harry offered him a polite smile and shook his head, shifting slightly as the man came up next to him and threw himself on the ground beside him. They sat silently for over twenty minutes, both of them blankly staring ahead, bodies unmoving, the only sound around them being the low whistle of the wind the blew by, nipping at their skin.

The quiet was disturbed by the boy next to Harry letting out a loud, heart-breaking sob. Harry looked at him with wide eyes as his shoulders starting violently shaking, loud cries escaping his mouth. He hesitated for a few moments before reaching out, gently placing his hand over the other man’s, ignoring the slight flinch that overcame him before he finally relaxed, turning his hand around to grab onto Harry’s tightly as he continued to stare at the ground and cry raucously.

“Hi Jess.” Harry closed his eyes and took a shaky breath as soon as the words escaped the man’s lips. He hung his head low and prepared himself for what was about to come.

“It’s Louis.” The man continued hesitantly, “I mean, you know, I think. I’m sorry if you were expecting a speech in Shakespearean English or whatever but I’m quite thrown off right now, so you’ll have to settle for my regular, horrible dialect. It’s just, I’m here, holding hands with some curly stranger and crying my eyes out and you’re not here and it’s so weird, Jess. It’s so strange looking at your picture and your fucking headstone and they put such a boring and bland message on it, you would hate it. I hate it and I’m pretty sure Curly hates it and this sucks because your friends are not supposed to sit here and cry over your motherfucking grave. You are supposed to be here and you’re not and I’m so fucking sorry that you’re not. I am so, so, so fucking sorry that this happened, and I don’t know how to fix this and how to move on and I would usually come to you with these problems and I don’t know who to fucking go to now and I know it’s my fault at some level because I should have answered that night an-”

He’s interrupted by Harry unexpectedly squeezing his hand, head snapping up to stare at him with shocked eyes, “She called you that night?” His voice cracks weakly but he couldn’t care less at the moment. Louis stares at him with wide eyes, his bottom lip wobbling before he nods his head, allowing a fresh set of tears to fall down his face.

“I’m so sorry. I really am. I know I- I should have answered, I do but-”

“I’m sorry.” Harry whispers. The man stops his rambling to stare at him quizzically.

“What?”

“I’m sorry.” Harry repeats.

“Why?”

“You must have been blaming yourself a lot, for what happened.” Harry says softly, turning his head to look at the man sympathetically.

“Maybe.” Louis’ voice cracked as he choked on his own tears.

“You shouldn’t though. It wasn’t your fault, not entirely at least. Maybe everyone is to blame, a little bit. I certainly am, for not realizing. For not being around.” Harry had now turned back to stare numbly at the ground in front of him.

“You two were close?”

Harry nodded, letting out a wry chuckle, “Practically grew up together.”

“I’m sorry.” The words were soft. A whisper. They were words Harry had heard constantly for the last couple of days but somehow all of those well-wishes combined meant practically nothing compared to this single one. This time, coming from a stranger, the words seemed to hold most meaning than Harry could have ever imagined. He gave a small, polite smile to Louis, “I’m sorry too.”

“God,” Louis breathed out a laugh, “Jess would kill me if she saw how miserable I let her funeral be.”

Harry bit his lip to prevent a grin from overcoming his face, “I know what you mean. I begged her mother to get a bounce house or something, but everyone thought I had lost the plot.”

“Fuck, Jess and her stupid obsessions with bounce houses. She would have loved that so much.”

“At least she got cucumber sandwiches.” Louis let out a snort at the joke, studying Harry for a few seconds before turning forward again. They sat silently for a few moments before Harry spoke up again.

“How’d you know her? I’m sorry, but I have no clue who you are.”

“Louis. I met her at a club in Ibiza one night and we did molly together. She’s basically been my support system since then.”

“I’m Harry.” The image of Jess making friends with strangers in shady toilets, unfortunately a common incident, made him smile.

“Oh, you’re Harry. Pumpkin, right?” Harry groaned lightly at the mention of the terrible nickname anointed to him at a mere six years old, “That’s me.”

“She talked a lot about you. Best person she knew and all that. Best friend, too.”

“Clearly not best friend enough. I didn’t seem to get any phone calls that night.” Harry chuckled. He heard Louis suck in a breath but couldn’t get himself to feel too bad currently.

“Har-”

“What were you doing? Like, why didn’t you answer? I’m not mad or anything, just curious.” Harry asked.

“I was taking a nap. A fucking nap.” Louis mumbled, tears with no end still rolling down his face. Harry furrowed his eyebrows before turning to look at him. He observed him carefully for a few minutes before breaking the silence again, his tone soft this time, “And how long have you slept since you found out what happened?”

Louis’ head snapped up, staring at him with wide, red-rimmed eyes. He gulped loudly before speaking, his voice coming out small and shaky, “Two hours.”

“I figured.” Harry nodded, feeling bad for the man next to him. He was probably going to spend a long time afraid to go to sleep again and Harry wished he could help him. They fell back into silence, their minds running at a pace too quick for them to keep up.

“When I got the call, from her mother, I literally couldn’t process it.” Harry said, “My body instantly felt numb. It still feels that way, a little bit. And I was so scared that I couldn’t feel anything but emptiness and fear and then I felt so, so sad because I keep thinking that that is probably how Jess felt, right? Scared and alone and hollow and I don’t know how long she felt that way and I just can’t stop thinking about that.”

“Oh fuck.”

“Yeah.” Harry let out a wet laugh, finally raising a hand to wipe at his face, slightly annoyed that his tears had made the decision to start drying on their own.

“Every time I saw Jess, she just looked like a ball of cotton candy, ready to comfort me and share all the happiness in the world.” Louis said.

“I don’t know how you managed it, but you nailed that description. That’s literally Jess.” Harry chuckled.

“The part of Jess we knew at least.”

“Yeah. That.” Harry mumbled in response.

“I remember a day when she dragged me to a baby shower. Literally, I think she got more attention than the to-be mother.” Louis grinned.

“It was the same at weddings. People just stopped inviting her because everyone was focused on her all the time.”

“Can’t blame the people for wanting to be around her, I guess.”

“No, you really can’t.” Harry smiled fondly at the memory of Jess ranting to him because practically the entire city was invited to Claudia Hill’s wedding and she wasn’t. Soon enough, the two boys were engrossed in their conversation, sharing countless stories and memories of their close friend.

Harry told Louis about how Jess defended Harry against bullies in high school, when he came out, when she went through a MasterChef phase at ten and began cooking incredibly average dishes at all hours of the day, when she sneaked them edibles for the first time and they did nothing but sleep for sixteen hours, how they spent their weekends at the beach with their families, as well as about the time she set his laptop on fire and they could never really figure out how, he told him about how they used to sit in a field after school and discuss their plans for the future. The last discussion resulted in him breaking down, tightly clutching Louis’ hand.

Louis, in turn, told him about the trip to Ibiza and instantly clicked, the gradual growth of the friendship that was formed after. He told him about how Jess managed to drag him to every restaurant in the city, how she kept trying to set him up with her friends but never managed to succeed, how she taught him how to braid hair, in case it ever came in use, how she went to almost every one of his weekend football games just to scream obscenities and throw him off his game, how she supported him when his mother passed away.

They spent the whole night talking.

They talked about Jess, about each other, their lives and their jobs and their thoughts and dreams, as bleak as they were right now. They shared their opinions, on things as ridiculous as ice-cream flavours and music artists, to topics as intense as the meaning of life and God. They talked some more about Jess and they talked about getting help to deal with the situation they were in now, with everything weighing in on them and their bodies filled to the brim with tears and emotions of all sorts. They talked about their favourite things and Jess’ favourite things. They talked a lot about Jess.

Harry didn’t even realize that he had been sitting in the exact same spot for over half a day until they caught a glimpse of the sun rising over the horizon, barely shining over the select few marble headstones around them. All of a sudden, exhaustion washed over Harry, his bones crying out for movement, his stomach growling for food and his eyes desperate for a little rest. Yet, he felt lighter than he had in such a long time. He felt so, so light and he felt guilty for feeling that way.

He mentioned that to Louis who simply rested his head on his folded knees and offered him a sad smile, reassuring him that he was allowed to feel whatever he did and there was no reason to feel bad about it. Nobody would know anyway.

Finally, they stood up.

They stood up and walked to the bakery a few blocks away, hand in hand, like they had spent the entire night. They walked slowly, silently observing the mixture of blue and orange hues shading the sky. Louis ordered them a massive spread and they spent the next hour lightly joking, in a feeble attempt to cheer themselves up, and stuffing themselves with muffins, bagels, pastries and multitudes of tea.

At the end of the meal, they split a single slice of key lime pie. Neither of them was too fond of it but Jess was, and they shared it in memory of her.

When they split up that morning, Harry begged Louis to try and get some sleep and to call him if he couldn’t. Louis asked Harry to update him on the new therapist he had decided to visit. And they made a silent promise.

They don’t know what they did wrong this time, but they made a promise to each other and to Jess to make an effort, from now on, to do more for others and to be better people. And they made a promise to stick around for each other, be to each other what Jess was to them both. A friend and a support system.

**_8 years later_ **

Harry stared at the bouquet of lilies in front of him with a furrowed brow. They were so yellow. The sound of quiet footsteps on the grass behind him snapped him out of his thoughts. He looked over his shoulder and smiled at Louis, who was grimacing at the sound of his trainers crunching against the crispy leaves. 

"Sorry!" He whispered and Harry smiled, shaking his head. Louis made a face at him, making him roll his eyes at his husband, as he adjusted the bundle in his arms gently.

"Flowers look a bit too yellow, don't they?" Louis asked, tilting his head and staring at the bouquet lying at the headstone. Harry narrowed his eyes at him playfully, making Louis giggle softly.

"I told you they look too yellow! You were the one who thought they would stand out!"

"And they are! Maybe a little too much." Louis mumbled the last part before waving his hand in the air, dismissing the topic. They stood in silence for a few seconds, staring at each other with wide eyes. Louis stepped closer and wrapped a hand around his waist, squeezing lightly. The gesture worked perfectly, grounding Harry and allowing him to breathe for a few seconds.

"Why don't you go ahead, love?" Louis whispered softly and Harry nodded his head, clearing his throat before speaking loudly.

"Hey Jess, we're back. It's Harry and Louis. Um, can't stay long today, sorry about that, but we've got to get home. Lot of work to do. Anyway, hope you've been good. Peaceful, maybe. We're doing good ourselves. Lou finally learnt how to play the piano. I finished writing my fourth book yesterday. We hosted a dinner party for couples the other night and we made a cheese board, so we're officially those kinds of adults. We were talking about how we kind of wished you were there to make fun of us for it. Anyway, that's not why we're here. We wanted to introduce you to somebody." 

He shuffled the bundle of blankets in his arms around, raising it slightly. Louis reached out with his free hand, adjusting them slightly and leaving his hand there as a reassurance the moment he heard a little whine escape the little baby's lips.

"So, this is Jessica Lily Tomlinson-Styles. Baby Jess. She came home with us a week ago and we already love her more than anything in the world. Right, Lou?" He turned to Louis, who was already staring at him with a gentle expression. Louis beamed at Harry's question, his eyes momentarily flicking down to the baby and back up to Harry's face.

"Definitely." He grinned.

Harry mirrored his expression before facing forward again, "Right. So that's her. She's been strangely patient and gentle and we're a little suspicious but when we expressed our concerns, everyone just kind of laughed in our face so, no clue what to do about that. That being said, our family has officially grown by one."

Louis cleared his throat softly, "We also kind of wanted to thank you again. I am well aware that we do it too much but you can't really stop me, so. Even though you were no longer around, you continued to change my life. Continued to change both of our lives. You led us to each other and I can't express how much gratitude I have. You led me to my baby girl. My baby Jess who is the prettiest, most breathtaking baby I've ever come across, excuse my bias. And we're going to make sure that we're the best fucking parents we can be and we're going to make you proud. We'll tell her all about you, rebellion phases and everything. We're sorry for everything that happened. We love you and we miss you so much." 

Harry stared at him with wide, brimming eyes. He bit his lip to suppress a cry and took a deep breath to steady himself before ducking down and pressing a kiss to Louis' forehead. Louis grabbed his cheeks in his hands and pulled him closer, gently kissing him, smiling widely against his lips. A few gentle and emotional kisses later, the two of them straightened up, baby Jess clutched tightly in their arms.

"Thank you for everything, Jess. We owe our little family to you."


End file.
